Our Story

In September 2015, my cousin, Arden, was at working at Rocco’s Deli in Provo when a group of boys walked in and ordered sandwiches. One of the boys, Mitch, thought that she was really cute so Matt helped him write her a note on a napkin, asking her out. He gave her the napkin, and then left before she could read it, but left his phone number. I lived with Arden in an apartment in Provo, and when she came home that night she told me all about it and I encouraged her to call him the next day and say yes! She did and they went out a few days later. The date was at Mitch’s place, and some other friend’s were over and they had a fire in the back yard. That night, Arden met Matt. They talked some and Arden found out that Matt had served his mission in West Africa and so he spoke French. She talked to Mitch and they decided that they should set us up on a date, since I served my mission in Paris, France and spoke French as well.

On September 19^th  the day of the date came. Matt and Mitch picked us up and we all went to the mall with 75 balloons and passed them out to strangers. I was all about that and absolutely loved it! Afterwards, we went and got some ice cream and then ate it while we sat on a hug tree stump in a park. We just talked a lot, laughed, shared stories, and teased each other. That night I went home with a false impression of Matt. I felt like I had been made fun of all night and couldn’t figure out if Matt was teasing me or completely serious. When I came home I told Kaity that I would never wanted to go out with that boy again.

Matt and I kept hanging out, though. Mitch was still interested in Arden and every time he would ask her to do something with him, she would ask me to come with her. I went and always had a good time and decided that we would all just be friends. I thought Matt was fun to talk to and also very fun to flirt with, and after a while I started to have an interest in him. I was so annoyed I kind of liked him! I remember telling Arden “Why do I like him?! It doesn’t make any sense!” A few weeks later, I planned a big Harry Potter Halloween party with my roommates. Matt and Mitch came and that night Matt and I talked a bit via text. The conversation turned kind of weird and confusing and we misunderstood each other.  

After that, I figured we weren’t friends and that Matt didn’t like me. Two weeks later, it was my birthday and Matt texted me and wished me a happy birthday. I didn’t know why he was texting me, so I didn’t reply until all the festivities had ended late that night. When I replied and said “thank you” he texted me back and asked how I was doing and about my life. We talked a little bit and then he asked me if I would like to go out again. I was kind of confused so I told him I would but we should talk first. The next day, he came over and we talked and figured everything out. Then we decided to go on a date a few days later.

He picked me up on November 21^st and we went to a Belgian restaurant in Provo. I was glad we were friends again, but definitely didn’t think that this date was going to go anywhere. We laughed a lot on the way there, and then we got our food and as we began to talk I mentioned the 36 questions to fall in love with anyone. I mentioned that I was doing them with the girls at my work because they were just really good questions to get to know people. Matt suggested that we ask them to each other. I said as a complete joke “Ok, but only if you promise not to fall in love with me.” We both laughed and began to ask the questions. We only made it through 12 of them. And it took us 4 hours. We sat in that restaurant for 4 hours and talked and talked. We talked about our missions and our families and our feelings about God and Christ. At the end of the night, I was really impressed. Matt was completely different than I thought and I couldn’t wait to see him again.

Meanwhile, I had been going on dates with another boy who I really liked. We had been hanging out for a while and he was the first person I had met in a very long time that I could see myself committing to. We went on a date, and then he left to go home for Thanksgiving break. Two days after our date was the day Matt and I went out to the Belgian restaurant.

A few days after my second date with Matt, he asked me out again. We doubled with a girl from my mission, Natalie. Everyone came over to my place and we made crepes and had such a wonderful night. After a while, everyone else left and Matt stayed behind. We sat on my couch and talked some more. After a bit he said that he was really confused and needed to tell me something. He told me that there was another girl that he had been interested in and thought he was going to date, and that I had caught him off guard. He didn’t know what to do. I told him about the other guy and said that I was in a similar situation. The more we talked though, the more I forgot the other boy. The more I was interested in Matt. Matt asked me out for a date a week later and we decided we would take a week to figure it out. But I told Matt that if after a week he still didn’t know what to do, then it wasn’t me. I wasn’t a second choice. Matt left and I went to bed.

The next morning I woke up and I just knew that nothing was going to ever happen between me and Matt. But I was really proud of myself for being so vulnerable the night before and making it known that I cared about him even though nothing would come from it. I texted Natalie and let her know what had happened and that Matt and I weren’t going to date. I told her I was sad but that I felt really exhilarated because I had been so brave and I was ready to move onto better things and that maybe I would end up dating the other guy when he got back.

That day, Natalie went to church and asked Matt what had happened. He told her everything we had talked about and Natalie told Matt that if he let me go, it would be a mistake. She told him how much she adores me and she told him that girls like me don’t come along very often and he only had one chance because otherwise I would be gone. She told him about my text and that I was already moving on. Then she asked him what he was going to do and he said that he was going to go after me.

That evening I was waiting for my home teachers when someone knocked on the door. I opened it and it wasn’t them. It was Matt. I asked him what he was doing there. He said “I couldn’t wait a week.” He came in and we sat down and he told me that he chose me and that I was the one he wanted to date. Then I asked “So, what should we do now?” He said “Well, I kiss you and we date.” But I was still confused. I told him that I still needed a week. I wanted to date him, but we should date in a week. That night, Matt stayed and we watched White Christmas. He held my hand for the first time.

The next day, I woke up and realized that I didn’t need a week anymore. I realized that I had just done the exact thing to him that he had done to me. I realized that the only person I wanted to date was Matt. I chose him. The next night, December 1^st, Matt came over and took me to go get cupcakes and hot chocolate. We went back to my place and sat on my couch and talked. Then Matt kissed me. And we decided to date.

A few months later, we talked casually about marriage just to make sure that we were on the same page. We decided that at the very earliest, we would get engaged in June.

Sometime after that, we were sitting in Matt’s car talking and he told me that his timeline had changed. It was moving up. I agreed and we decided to set a tentative time that we would get married. We talked about the end of July or beginning of August for about a week. We didn’t know how long it would take to find a ring, so we decided to go ring shopping just to get an idea. Well, in the very first store, I tried on the perfect ring. It had lots of diamonds but I just fell in love. We went to a lot of different stores and I tried on a lot of bands, but I hated them all. I had said I didn’t want diamonds and just a gold band, but that made Matt sad. He said “I want other guys to look at your hand and think “Wow, her guys treats her nice” I love that man. So we went back to the first store and I tried on that perfect ring again. We went home and talked about everything and I told Matt that I just loved that ring and I wanted that one. Then we talked about when we would get engaged and we decided probably the beginning of April. Then we realized that our mission reunions were at the end of March and we would love to be able to introduce each other to our mission presidents as fiancé.

We got engaged March 25^th. I had been planning a big group date with some friends, and unbeknownst to me, Matt had hijacked it. He was planning the engagement and feeding me all the information through my friends so I had no idea any of it was coming from him. We decided to go up American Fork canyon to have a bonfire and that we would all meet at the Timpanogos temple on Friday night. Earlier that week, I met Matt at the train station and he showed me this big picture of an amphitheatre. He told me it was built in the 1930’s and that it was right by his house and he had never realized it was that old. He said we should go there some time. I agreed, and we left the station.

That Friday, Matt and I went out to eat at a burger place and then headed up to the temple. I got texts from everyone saying that they were going to be late. Matt and I got to the temple and he said that the amphitheatre was right next to the temple and that we should go and look at it while we waited for everyone. We drove over to it and parked at the bottom. We got out and started walking up to it when I saw that the whole theatre was covered with lights. As we got closer, I all of a sudden heard ‘When You Say You Love Me’ from Josh Groban and realized that all of the lights were actually 200 candles in mason jars hat had been placed all over the steps. I said to Matt “Should we be here? It looks like someone is getting proposed to.” And as the word escaped my mouth, I realized it was me! I was the one being proposed to. Matt led me up on stage where there was a bouquet of roses and a love letter. Then Matt knelt down and asked me if I would marry him. I said “Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes.” And then he put the ring on my finger and I bent down and kissed him.

We got married July 14^th. (Which happens to be Bastille Day, France’s Independence Day. Vive la France!) Matt picked me up and we drove together to the temple, the Newport Beach California Temple. We went inside and my Mom helped me dress in my white dress and temple clothes. I met Matt in the Celestial room and we waited together. We talked to our sealer and then we walked together into the sealing room. It was filled with our family and friends. We sat down and listened to our sealer give us the most beautiful advice. I held Matt’s hand with one hand and my Mom’s hand with the other. Our sealer’s name was Rulon Peterson and we sat and listened as he spoke to us about covenants. Then he asked Matt to lead me up to the altar and we knelt across from each other. We held hands as the sealer began speaking. As soon as I looked into Matt’s eyes across the altar I began crying. I was overcome with love and joy and that the man I loved wanted to marry me too and be with me for all eternity. And as I began crying, Matt began crying too. All I could do was smile at Matt as tears rolled down my cheeks. And Matt did the same. Tears poured down his cheeks and he looked at me like I had never been looked at before. And in that moment I was the happiest I had ever been. All I could see was Matt and our life together for all eternity.

He sealed us together forever and then we kissed over the altar. We then stood up and hugged everyone as they congratulated us. Then I went to the dressing room with my Mom, sisters, and Arden. They dressed me and got me all ready and then I went out and met Matt in the waiting area. Then we walked out together as a married couple. And everyone we love cheered and we went around and hugged them all. Then we took a few family pictures and we all drove to Victorville for our very chill El Pollo Loco luncheon.

The night was perfect. Everything was beautiful. The tables had navy tablecloths, point d’esprit, candles in jars and greenery. The sign-in table had an embossed leather guest book and then pictures of Matt and me and our parents and grandparents. There were globe lights strung everywhere and everything was lit by the perfect glow. My Mom also wrote our names and drew flowers on big chalkboards. The first half of the night we greeted all of our guests and talked with them. The second half was the best dance party I have ever been to! Matt always dances with me and I love him for it. I also danced with all my sisters and my Mom and my cousin and a bunch of Matt’s family. It was so much fun. We went absolutely crazy. Finally, it was time to leave. Everyone threw bird seed for us as we left. We got in our car and drove away. It was the most perfect day of my life.

I love Matt Rybin. I have never loved anyone so much. And I have never been so loved.

Everything is love. It's all love.

For many years now I have been completely in love with love. And when I say love I am not really talking about romantic love, I am talking about kindness and love for everyone. And recently I have been thinking a whole lot about love and some things I may have been wrong about.

Sometimes I feel like I focus too much on love. I am afraid of losing sight of other important things (like patience or gratitude or faith, etc.) if I am only focusing on love. I want to be virtuously well-rounded, I guess. :) So for a while now I have been trying to not only read talks about and study love, but also force myself to read talks on and study other subjects. I have been trying to not only find quotes about love, but also find quotes about other virtues. I have been trying to not be so one-sided. It makes logical sense that if you neglect an area, it will simply deteriorate. And I had obviously been neglecting a lot of areas. Basically everything but love. Which was preposterous! So I decided to change and let love go a bit.


And it was a big mistake. Quite silly, actually. When I was living in France, I just let myself be obsessed with love. I basically just gave all my passion and devotion to loving other people in every way. And it made me so happy. I don't think I wasn't virtuously well-rounded at all. On the contrary, some how I was growing spiritually in every way even though I was mostly focused on one thing.

So this is what I have realized: Love really is the center of everything and some how, almost as if by magic, if you devote all of your energy into love and why we love and how we love, I believe that all of the other virtues will naturally come to us as well.

Because love is everything. It can be found in every virtue. It is the why and the how of every other good thing we want to develop.

Now, maybe everyone doesn't feel called to love love the way I do. I think everyone has to find their own path. I believe that God has specific things he needs us to focus on and it could vary from person to person. But I believe that if we focus on whatever God needs us to, we will never be unbalanced or not well-rounded. I believe that every other virtue will come to us.

Now sometimes it is hard for to give myself permission to obsess about love because I just love love! And if I enjoy something this much it must not be my path. God's will is supposed to be the hardest thing, always against whatever I really want to be doing. Right? Um... this is crazy talk. (Sometimes I will sit down to read a talk and come across a talk about love and I get so excited. But then I will think "No, this is not love time. This is hope time." Seriously. It's gotta stop. Because it's cray cray.) If you are a good person and striving and trying to do God's will and be a good person, I think that more often than not your desires will be aligned with whatever God wants from you. I absolutely believe that God places certain desires in us for a reason. Trust that. Do what you love. Go after it unashamedly.

Finally, to end all of this, I want to share part of a message from the leaders of my church. It goes like this:

"As Church members, we sometimes have a tendency to attach ourselves to gospel programs, issues, and even doctrines that seem interesting, important, or enjoyable to us. We are tempted to draw targets around them, making us believe we are aiming at the center of the gospel... How easy it would be to select our favorite gospel topic, draw a bull’s-eye around it, and then make a case that we have identified the center of the gospel.

This is not a problem unique to our day. Anciently, religious leaders spent a great deal of time cataloging, ranking, and debating which of the hundreds of commandments was the most important.
One day a group of religious scholars attempted to draw the Savior into the controversy. They asked Him to weigh in on an issue upon which few could agree. “Master,” they asked Him, “which is the great commandment in the law?” We all know how Jesus answered: “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.”

Please note the last sentence: “On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.”The Savior not only showed us the target, but He also identified the bull’s-eye...

The more we learn about God and feel His love for us, the more we realize that the infinite sacrifice of Jesus Christ is a divine gift of God. And God’s love inspires us to use the path of true repentance, which will lead to the miracle of forgiveness. This process enables us to have greater love and compassion for those around us. We will learn to see beyond labels. We will resist the temptation to accuse or judge others by their sins, shortcomings, flaws, political leanings, religious convictions, nationalities, or skin color.

We will see every one we meet as a child of our Heavenly Father—our brother or our sister.
We will reach out to others in understanding and love—even those who may not be particularly easy to love. We will mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort.
And we will realize that there is no need for us to agonize about the correct gospel target.
The two great commandments are the target. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets. As we accept this, all other good things will fall into place.

If our primary focus, thoughts, and efforts are centered on increasing our love for Almighty God and extending our hearts to others, we can know that we have found the right target and are aiming at the bull’s-eye—becoming true disciples of Jesus Christ." (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Ensign January 2017, The Chruch of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints)

It's all love. And I give myself permission to be endlessly passionate about love. Loving God and loving everyone. It is the center of everything and I know that everything else will fall into place, just as God intends.

I love you all so much I could burst. Thank you for loving me enough to devote some of your time to reading the musings of an aspiring writer. 

xoxo, Autumn

(p.s. This is Matt. And he knows a lot about love. He is so good at it. That's why I chose this picture.)

Couraging

A few weeks ago Matt and I went to go see the new Disney movie Moana. I was expecting it to be comparable to Frozen. You know, cute, adorable, not really life-altering but pleasant and all around lovely. And instead… I cried probably 4 times. And not just teared up. Tears were silently pouring down my face as I watched this young girl bravely do things that terrified her because she loved her people and her island. She was a beautiful portrayal of a courageous being. And all I could think about was how much I desperately wanted to be like her.

You see, I don’t feel very brave. In a lot of areas in my life. I am shy and it is semi-tortuous sometimes to even introduce myself to strangers and put myself out there to meet people.  Since I have been married, often when I kiss Matt goodbye at the door as he leaves for school, this fear will creep over me. What if he crashes the car or something happens to his train? What if I don’t ever see him again? I feel fear sometimes when I leave the house. Did I leave the gas on? Did I unplug the iron? MY curler? Should I leave a light on to ward off burglars? Or what if something happens and the house catches fire? I feel fear when I drive in the snow. I am no good at driving in the snow. I feel fear when I have to drive to Salt Lake by myself. When I have to do new things. When I have to talk on the phone. When I have to be a vulnerable human.

And I am so tired. So tired of feeling afraid. I want to be like that Disney princess. I want to be brave. I want to be a courageous being.

After the movie, I thought a lot about bravery and the most courageous people I have ever known. And I immediately thought of my Mom’s best friend, Karen. Karen passed away a little over a year ago, but before she did, she wrote me a letter when I was going through one of the hardest times of my life. She gave me all of her wisdom about what it means to be truly courageous. This is what she said:

“I don’t want to get to heaven and look back on my life and see me, the heroine in my story, come up against hard situations and get thrown off or distracted by fear or whatever else and slither off, non-descript. That would never be acceptable in a movie, and especially in a life. We expect the heroine to come through and it feels wonderful when she does… We can’t have words like victory, valiant and triumph in our stories without coming up against hard things and pushing through them.”

“Courage is doing what you’re afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you’re scared.” –Eddie Rickenbacker-

That’s courage. Courage isn’t having everything figured out. It’s not knowing what each day or week or month or year will bring but knowing that you will get through it. It’s daring to live vulnerably and love deeply even though those we love may die or be hurt. Courage is daring to try new things because it expands your world. And every bit of practice helps. We learn courage by couraging.

In closing, I think sometimes we need a deep motivation to be courageous. It’s hard to be courageous for no reason other than yourself. But to be brave for others? All of a sudden, nothing can stop me. I simply will find the courage.

There is a part in the movie where Moana says “I don’t know what I am doing, but my island is dying so I am here.” And that’s it. It’s all love. With love I will muster every bit of courage I have. I will introduce myself to strangers even when I am convinced that I feel 100x more awkward and socially inept than they do. I will compliment them and speak my love, and be brave enough to risk them thinking I am weird. I will love them enough to risk not getting the opportunity to tell my stories and talk about myself and instead encourage them tell their stories and be heard! I want to be courageous because it takes courage to love other people.

The brave do not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. And I want to live and love with all my heart.

xoxo, Autumn

Seeing Green

Today will be short and sweet. A pint-sized pick me up.  

I recently watched this video from Hope Works called 'Seeing Green.' (Think Ted talks meet Mormons.) You'll have to watch it to fully understand I think, but here is my brief bit on why this is completely changing my life.

The premise of her talk is that we all live in a world of blue. We have always lived in a blue world and because of that we don't know anything different. We don't really understand color because nothing is color it is simply blue.

Then one day we get thrown into a world of yellow. When this happens there are usually 3 groups of people: 

1) There are the people who hate yellow. They would do anything to go back to blue. They fantasize blue and they think that blue was so much better than yellow. They think that everything will be good and they will be happy again if they can just get back to blue. 

2) There are the people who just love yellow, and in turn completely reject blue. They decide that obviously if they are now in yellow that must mean that blue was bad and they must get rid of any remnants of blue left in them. Yellow must be the only good thing. 

3) Then there are the people who think "I can't just reject blue. I lived blue. It was a part of me. But I also can't reject yellow. I am living yellow. It is a part of me. I was given blue. But I was also given yellow. Is there something I am missing? Is there something else?" And then that's when they see GREEN. 

You see, I served a mission for my church in France and I lived there for a year-and-a-half. It was amazing. I don't even have words to express to you how much it changed my life and how fulfilling and joyful it was. It was blue. Then I returned home a changed person and was thrown into a world of yellow. I tried really hard to keep on living and and keep up the things that helped me change so much when I lived in France. But there have been times when I felt like I just wasn't doing very well. Sometimes I wished I was back in France and convinced myself that if I was in blue everything would be ok. But there were also times when I tried to almost forget about my mission in an effort to live my new life and not fantasize the past. I tried to throw myself completely into yellow and reject the blue. 

I am here to tell you that both those options are impossible and deeply unfulfilling. I believe that God wants us to embrace them both. Embrace the green. You see, God gave me those blue experiences. He gave them to me, He wanted me there and he wanted me to experience everything I did. He wanted it to change me and become a part of me. But God also gave me yellow. He he gave it to me and he wants me to embrace it. He wants me to love it and for it to change me. He never intended for me to stay in blue forever, but he also never intended me to forget about blue when I came home. Today I am in yellow and that is good. Blue was also good. God wants me to take them both, embrace them both fully, and start seeing green. 

I hope this makes sense. It blows my mind again every time I think about it again. God is so wise. I love him for giving me blue and giving me yellow and for helping me see green. I truly believe that everything that happens to us is for a reason,the good and the bad. God can take all of those experiences, even the hard and sad ones, and turn our lives into something more glorious than we could ever do on our own. 

I love you. Keep on looking for God in everything and everyone.

xoxo Autumn

P.S. Voila the video.

La douceur de ne rien faire.

I recently read a short book called ‘The Art of Doing Nothing.’ The title intrigued me and I had seen several quotes that I love from the author, so I decided to give it a try. It was such a simple book, but it completely changed the way I have thought about a lot of things for a long time. There was one phrase in particular that seemed to sum up a lot more about me than I would like to admit: “We feel there is nothing we can’t do. Except doing nothing.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, has been my life. For as long as I can remember I have gotten antsy during movies and felt the itch to at least be sewing or writing in my journal during the show. I can’t just sit there. (This may be part of the reason I sometimes hate movie theatres.) I’m a great multi-tasker and most definitely mix all of my leisure with some work. I can do nothing but work for hours, but do nothing but play and rest? What does that even look like?

For a long time I think I have measured at least some of my value by what I have produced. An A on my transcript is proof I busted my buns in that class. A sparkling kitchen means I scrubbed and dried and worked hard. A to-do list with little check marks on it means that I get stuff done! But what do I get for taking a break? What physical proof do I have that I am doing something productive with my life? The answer is basically none. But is my value as a person really measured by my physical proof of productivity? Do things you do only have value if you have something to show for it other than reduced anxiety and lack of bags under your eyes? No!

But it is oh so hard to convince yourself otherwise. Hard work is valued highly in nearly every culture and society. I don’t know how many times I have heard phrases like “elbow grease” and “you can sleep when you’re dead.” Heck, I say those phrases. Every time my husband tells me to take a break. That’s why this is so hard. We feel lazy and unproductive when we let ourselves relax and simply do nothing but think and dream.

“I constantly remind myself that resting takes confidence. Anyone can train like a mad man, but to embrace rest…takes mental strength.” Ryan Hall

Resting and allowing yourself to take breaks really does take confidence. It takes a lot of strength to say “I have worked hard enough. Now I am going to renew myself.” But I think that is one of the most beautiful forms of self love. Because you are saying to yourself in that moment “I am enough.” You approve of yourself. And you recognize that your worth is not just based on everything that you produce.

Now, I am not advocating laziness and idleness. I do believe that there is virtue in work and that if I work hard I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. But I think there is a balance. D. Todd Christofferson said : “Just as honest toil gives rest its sweetness, wholesome recreation is the friend and steadying companion of work.” I just love that. Rest is not the end all be all, but it is the steadying companion and balancer of hard work. Neither of them work quite as well when they work alone, but together they create a profoundly fulfilling life.

“There is virtue in work and there is virtue in rest. Use both and overlook neither.” -Alan Cohen

I think part of that balance comes from the intentions behind our work and our leisure. I believe that things are good or bad depending on how we use or abuse them. For example, I think Facebook and Instagram and Netflix and movies and a lot of other “time-wasters” are AMAZING. I believe that so much good can come from these things if we use them well! If I went home and was feeling pretty beat after a long day at school, I could mindfully turn on my favorite show and watch some of it to relax before I go onto other things I need to do. Or I could go home and try to numb all of the anxiety I am feeling over my mountain of homework and watch Netflix to get away from it all. Identical actions. Very different effect on my self-esteem and how renewed I feel when I am done. The same goes for social media. There is a difference between needing a break and going to look at beautiful pictures on Instagram and feeling connected to my friends on there, and mindlessly scrolling through my feed. I think this is maybe the difference between laziness and rest. One is intentional, the other is not. One is loving yourself, and the other is numbing yourself.

So, this is me telling myself I am enough. Right now. Before I check anything off that to-do list. I will allow myself to take naps and take breaks. I will renew my soul and body with beautiful things that serve no other purpose than making me happy. I will give myself permission to live a beautiful life, not just a productive one. (It really helps if you are married to Matt. Every time I tell him that I needed a break so I didn’t do my homework he says “Good for you.” He knows me so well.)

Don’t you think it is so interesting that what a lot of people do for their work is not their passion in life, and yet we always ask people what they do for work? Why don’t we ask people what they do when they relax? We can learn so much about each other by asking what we do when we do nothing. I don’t want my answer to be “Well, I stress about everything else that I should be doing.” I want my answer to be “I paint, I dream, I read, I nap, I look at beautiful photos, and I just soak myself in inordinate amounts of self-care and self-love.”

To end all of this I would like to quote my life-changing and inspiring philosophy professor: “We are not defined by our work; we are defined by our leisure.”

Go out and take some time to do nothing today. We’re worth it.

Xoxo, Autumn

Greater and Greater Things.

"I'd rather apologize than to be so timid as to never try to do anything smart or brave." Lee Clow

I am a straight A student. I work really hard and never miss a reading. I spend a lot of time perfecting my homework before I turn it in. And... I feel like I am drowning.

This morning, I sat on my couch, doing my homework for my statistics class which was due at 11:30 am. I usually do my homework way earlier than I need to, but with this particular class, I tend to procrastinate. It's because the mere thought of doing the homework for my statistics class makes me so anxious I feel like I can't breathe. I kind of panic. It scares me to death. So I simply don't do it. At least not until a couple hours before it is due when I am forced to face my fears, not at all courageously.

I know what you must be thinking. I must be getting a really horrible grade in that class. Barely scraping by. Don't understand a thing. Maybe even failing. But actually, I am doing really well in statistics. I have a better grade in that class than I do in communication. Which is my major. (Oh, the irony.) So why? Why the rapid heart beating and the refusal to even think about that dreadful class until I am absolutely forced to?

I think the answer is perfectionism.

You see, I never get perfect grades in that class. My teacher is a pretty strict grader, and the tiniest mistake will always cost you. So every time my homework is handed back to me, I can expect to see a lot of things I am doing wrong. And they are things I did wrong after I studied so much and did my absolute best. It makes me terrified the entire time I am doing my homework that I must be missing something and doing something very wrong.

About a month ago, my parents came to visit me and my Dad told me a story. He told me that when he was in college, one semester he set a goal to get a B in a class. I know! Do you set goals for B's? But he told me that he knew the class was going to be really hard. So he asked himself, is an A worth it? Will it be worth the amount of work I would have to put in? He decided the answer was no, and so he aimed for a B.

I can't stop thinking about this story. First of all, my Father is incredibly wise. Second, shouldn't everything in life be like that? Shouldn't we always be asking "Is this worth it?" Sometimes, it honestly is. If you need a specific GPA or a good grade in a class that will be important in the future, then it absolutely does matter and it deserves extra attention. But I think that often I just forget to pick my battles.

It happens when I am visiting with a dear friend, but thinking in the back of my mind about all of the things I need to get done, instead of sinking into the moment and relishing the connection and building of our friendship. It happens when I tell my husband that I can't cuddle on the couch and watch a show because the dishes really need to get done, instead of showing my husband that I love him in the way he especially appreciates it, and realizing nobody is going to die if the dishes don't get done right away. It happens when I deprive myself of sleep because I am determined to perfect a project that is good enough. When I skip meals so I can keep on working.

Don't get me wrong, there are exceptions. Times when things that matter less simply need to get done. But I cannot live my entire life like that. That’s not really a life at all.

Because there is another thing I have noticed about perfectionism. It kind of makes me avoid risk. Perfectionism is all about doing everything meticulously and 100%. Not in the 90's somewhere, dawdling about. Especially not the low 90's. That is not acceptable. 100. That is the goal. Anything less is failure. So... avoid anything that you won't get 100 on. Which in life... means you may avoid a lot. Avoiding experiences that you might not be great at, but may expand your personality and soul, means that you may never grow. You don’t learn and change and become. You stay small and safe and stagnant.

But I want to be big. I want to be brave. I want to be wild and wildly creative. I want to risk not perfecting my life and just be…you know…me. Messy, but growing. Imperfect, but learning. Not pleasing everyone, but focusing more of my life on the people who really matter to me. Less pristine and romanticized, but decidedly real.

Why do I need an A in my class? Truth be told: I don't. So I am resolving to work hard, study well, go to class, and learn all that I can and expand as a person. And then, whatever will be will be.

I don't think that I will get an A in statistics. But I feel like I am winning my life back.

At least I am starting to. I would be so appreciative of any advice or tips on how to combat perfectionism in whatever aspect of life you struggle with it. I need all the help I can get.

“The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things.” Rainer Maria Rilke

Xoxo, Autumn

Your strengths are all you need.

Side rant—Matt is so good at loving me. I have learned more about love and loving myself since being married to him than I have learned my entire life. Last week I was feeling pretty drained emotionally, physically, spiritually, everything. It was a day when I normally only have two classes and that day one of them had been cancelled. But I felt like I didn’t have a real reason to skip school. So I texted Matt and asked his opinion. His response? “Don’t go! Forget school! God is more important! Souls trump school! You should just stay home or go back home if you already left.” This is why I married that man. He knows me so well and that if I even hint at needing a break I must REALLY need one.

So on that day when I stayed home and did nothing but drink tea, watch beautiful movies (like Breakfast at Tiffany’s. One of my favorites.), write in my journal, read letters I wrote my family when I lived in France, and have very long and tear-filled soul talks with God… I learned so much.

Sometimes I just feel like real, lasting change and triumph over my weaknesses is nearly impossible for me. Change is really hard and doesn’t seem to ever come, and when it does it sometimes seems like a short time later I am thinking “Oh yeah, I have already learned this. And here I am struggling with it again.” But this week I have realized that this is how change works and that I really do change every day.

I recently found something beautiful that I think illustrates this thought perfectly: “Progress through something traumatic, it’s not linear. It’s not like we go from unhealthy to healthy, failure to success. I think it’s all circular. You just come back around to the same pain, and the same loneliness. But each time you come around you’re stronger from the climb.” -Glennon Doyle Melton

Every time we think we have changed, we seem to come back around and have to face that problem all over again. But I agree with Glennon. I believe that every time we have defeated that dragon once again, we are stronger. We have learned something new. And we will never be the same again.

For me, this is very significant when looked at through the eyes of spirituality. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and we believe that when we are baptized, we make certain promises to God and he makes promises to us. We are only baptized once, but every Sunday after that we go to church and take the sacrament (the bread and water) and we renew that promise that we made with God. One of the things promised to us is that if we come to church repenting (meaning wanting to change, desiring to do better and fix things we have done wrong) then every time we take that bread and water we are changed. We are a new person. Our desires for good are strengthened and our desires for bad lose some of their hold on us. And nothing will ever be the same again.

It's good to know where you are weak so you are aware of where you can improve, but I think there is danger in starting out a quest for change by focusing on everything wrong with you. For me, it is so defeating. I get so wrapped up in every little thing wrong with me that I am overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy, and any belief that I can actually conquer those weaknesses is long gone.

This week I have realized that for me it is incredibly easier to change if I overcome my weaknesses by focusing on my strengths. I know that sounds like it doesn’t make sense, but think about this. I have so much more power when I start out my journey acknowledging the ground I have already won. Instead of “I say the meanest things when I get sassy. How can I hurt people this way? I am not very kind.” I try to think “Ok, who can I love today? What can I do to love them? I am pretty good with my words and compliments. I am going to try to genuinely compliment X amount of people today.” See the difference? I think the end result of speaking fewer mean words is accomplished, without even having to hate yourself for being a mean person! And since this method is so guilt free, it’s a lot harder to lose momentum. Because every time I make even a little progress I am not greeted by my inner voice telling me how much I lack. Because my goal has absolutely nothing to do with what I lack.

And if you still think I am crazy, my good friend Socrates once said “The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”

There we go. We are not nouns, we are verbs. Constantly in motion and ever-changing. And if we stop assessing our progress by how much we still lack and instead love ourselves for what we have gained, we can start being exactly who we want to be almost immediately. We can start living the life we have always wanted to live. One where we walk around with a purpose and are so grateful to be exactly who we are and where we are. Where we feel that we are the masters of our own fates and the captains of our souls.

xoxo, Autumn