Greater and Greater Things.

"I'd rather apologize than to be so timid as to never try to do anything smart or brave." Lee Clow

I am a straight A student. I work really hard and never miss a reading. I spend a lot of time perfecting my homework before I turn it in. And... I feel like I am drowning.

This morning, I sat on my couch, doing my homework for my statistics class which was due at 11:30 am. I usually do my homework way earlier than I need to, but with this particular class, I tend to procrastinate. It's because the mere thought of doing the homework for my statistics class makes me so anxious I feel like I can't breathe. I kind of panic. It scares me to death. So I simply don't do it. At least not until a couple hours before it is due when I am forced to face my fears, not at all courageously.

I know what you must be thinking. I must be getting a really horrible grade in that class. Barely scraping by. Don't understand a thing. Maybe even failing. But actually, I am doing really well in statistics. I have a better grade in that class than I do in communication. Which is my major. (Oh, the irony.) So why? Why the rapid heart beating and the refusal to even think about that dreadful class until I am absolutely forced to?

I think the answer is perfectionism.

You see, I never get perfect grades in that class. My teacher is a pretty strict grader, and the tiniest mistake will always cost you. So every time my homework is handed back to me, I can expect to see a lot of things I am doing wrong. And they are things I did wrong after I studied so much and did my absolute best. It makes me terrified the entire time I am doing my homework that I must be missing something and doing something very wrong.

About a month ago, my parents came to visit me and my Dad told me a story. He told me that when he was in college, one semester he set a goal to get a B in a class. I know! Do you set goals for B's? But he told me that he knew the class was going to be really hard. So he asked himself, is an A worth it? Will it be worth the amount of work I would have to put in? He decided the answer was no, and so he aimed for a B.

I can't stop thinking about this story. First of all, my Father is incredibly wise. Second, shouldn't everything in life be like that? Shouldn't we always be asking "Is this worth it?" Sometimes, it honestly is. If you need a specific GPA or a good grade in a class that will be important in the future, then it absolutely does matter and it deserves extra attention. But I think that often I just forget to pick my battles.

It happens when I am visiting with a dear friend, but thinking in the back of my mind about all of the things I need to get done, instead of sinking into the moment and relishing the connection and building of our friendship. It happens when I tell my husband that I can't cuddle on the couch and watch a show because the dishes really need to get done, instead of showing my husband that I love him in the way he especially appreciates it, and realizing nobody is going to die if the dishes don't get done right away. It happens when I deprive myself of sleep because I am determined to perfect a project that is good enough. When I skip meals so I can keep on working.

Don't get me wrong, there are exceptions. Times when things that matter less simply need to get done. But I cannot live my entire life like that. That’s not really a life at all.

Because there is another thing I have noticed about perfectionism. It kind of makes me avoid risk. Perfectionism is all about doing everything meticulously and 100%. Not in the 90's somewhere, dawdling about. Especially not the low 90's. That is not acceptable. 100. That is the goal. Anything less is failure. So... avoid anything that you won't get 100 on. Which in life... means you may avoid a lot. Avoiding experiences that you might not be great at, but may expand your personality and soul, means that you may never grow. You don’t learn and change and become. You stay small and safe and stagnant.

But I want to be big. I want to be brave. I want to be wild and wildly creative. I want to risk not perfecting my life and just be…you know…me. Messy, but growing. Imperfect, but learning. Not pleasing everyone, but focusing more of my life on the people who really matter to me. Less pristine and romanticized, but decidedly real.

Why do I need an A in my class? Truth be told: I don't. So I am resolving to work hard, study well, go to class, and learn all that I can and expand as a person. And then, whatever will be will be.

I don't think that I will get an A in statistics. But I feel like I am winning my life back.

At least I am starting to. I would be so appreciative of any advice or tips on how to combat perfectionism in whatever aspect of life you struggle with it. I need all the help I can get.

“The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things.” Rainer Maria Rilke

Xoxo, Autumn