Couraging

A few weeks ago Matt and I went to go see the new Disney movie Moana. I was expecting it to be comparable to Frozen. You know, cute, adorable, not really life-altering but pleasant and all around lovely. And instead… I cried probably 4 times. And not just teared up. Tears were silently pouring down my face as I watched this young girl bravely do things that terrified her because she loved her people and her island. She was a beautiful portrayal of a courageous being. And all I could think about was how much I desperately wanted to be like her.

You see, I don’t feel very brave. In a lot of areas in my life. I am shy and it is semi-tortuous sometimes to even introduce myself to strangers and put myself out there to meet people.  Since I have been married, often when I kiss Matt goodbye at the door as he leaves for school, this fear will creep over me. What if he crashes the car or something happens to his train? What if I don’t ever see him again? I feel fear sometimes when I leave the house. Did I leave the gas on? Did I unplug the iron? MY curler? Should I leave a light on to ward off burglars? Or what if something happens and the house catches fire? I feel fear when I drive in the snow. I am no good at driving in the snow. I feel fear when I have to drive to Salt Lake by myself. When I have to do new things. When I have to talk on the phone. When I have to be a vulnerable human.

And I am so tired. So tired of feeling afraid. I want to be like that Disney princess. I want to be brave. I want to be a courageous being.

After the movie, I thought a lot about bravery and the most courageous people I have ever known. And I immediately thought of my Mom’s best friend, Karen. Karen passed away a little over a year ago, but before she did, she wrote me a letter when I was going through one of the hardest times of my life. She gave me all of her wisdom about what it means to be truly courageous. This is what she said:

“I don’t want to get to heaven and look back on my life and see me, the heroine in my story, come up against hard situations and get thrown off or distracted by fear or whatever else and slither off, non-descript. That would never be acceptable in a movie, and especially in a life. We expect the heroine to come through and it feels wonderful when she does… We can’t have words like victory, valiant and triumph in our stories without coming up against hard things and pushing through them.”

“Courage is doing what you’re afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you’re scared.” –Eddie Rickenbacker-

That’s courage. Courage isn’t having everything figured out. It’s not knowing what each day or week or month or year will bring but knowing that you will get through it. It’s daring to live vulnerably and love deeply even though those we love may die or be hurt. Courage is daring to try new things because it expands your world. And every bit of practice helps. We learn courage by couraging.

In closing, I think sometimes we need a deep motivation to be courageous. It’s hard to be courageous for no reason other than yourself. But to be brave for others? All of a sudden, nothing can stop me. I simply will find the courage.

There is a part in the movie where Moana says “I don’t know what I am doing, but my island is dying so I am here.” And that’s it. It’s all love. With love I will muster every bit of courage I have. I will introduce myself to strangers even when I am convinced that I feel 100x more awkward and socially inept than they do. I will compliment them and speak my love, and be brave enough to risk them thinking I am weird. I will love them enough to risk not getting the opportunity to tell my stories and talk about myself and instead encourage them tell their stories and be heard! I want to be courageous because it takes courage to love other people.

The brave do not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. And I want to live and love with all my heart.

xoxo, Autumn