Greater and Greater Things.

"I'd rather apologize than to be so timid as to never try to do anything smart or brave." Lee Clow

I am a straight A student. I work really hard and never miss a reading. I spend a lot of time perfecting my homework before I turn it in. And... I feel like I am drowning.

This morning, I sat on my couch, doing my homework for my statistics class which was due at 11:30 am. I usually do my homework way earlier than I need to, but with this particular class, I tend to procrastinate. It's because the mere thought of doing the homework for my statistics class makes me so anxious I feel like I can't breathe. I kind of panic. It scares me to death. So I simply don't do it. At least not until a couple hours before it is due when I am forced to face my fears, not at all courageously.

I know what you must be thinking. I must be getting a really horrible grade in that class. Barely scraping by. Don't understand a thing. Maybe even failing. But actually, I am doing really well in statistics. I have a better grade in that class than I do in communication. Which is my major. (Oh, the irony.) So why? Why the rapid heart beating and the refusal to even think about that dreadful class until I am absolutely forced to?

I think the answer is perfectionism.

You see, I never get perfect grades in that class. My teacher is a pretty strict grader, and the tiniest mistake will always cost you. So every time my homework is handed back to me, I can expect to see a lot of things I am doing wrong. And they are things I did wrong after I studied so much and did my absolute best. It makes me terrified the entire time I am doing my homework that I must be missing something and doing something very wrong.

About a month ago, my parents came to visit me and my Dad told me a story. He told me that when he was in college, one semester he set a goal to get a B in a class. I know! Do you set goals for B's? But he told me that he knew the class was going to be really hard. So he asked himself, is an A worth it? Will it be worth the amount of work I would have to put in? He decided the answer was no, and so he aimed for a B.

I can't stop thinking about this story. First of all, my Father is incredibly wise. Second, shouldn't everything in life be like that? Shouldn't we always be asking "Is this worth it?" Sometimes, it honestly is. If you need a specific GPA or a good grade in a class that will be important in the future, then it absolutely does matter and it deserves extra attention. But I think that often I just forget to pick my battles.

It happens when I am visiting with a dear friend, but thinking in the back of my mind about all of the things I need to get done, instead of sinking into the moment and relishing the connection and building of our friendship. It happens when I tell my husband that I can't cuddle on the couch and watch a show because the dishes really need to get done, instead of showing my husband that I love him in the way he especially appreciates it, and realizing nobody is going to die if the dishes don't get done right away. It happens when I deprive myself of sleep because I am determined to perfect a project that is good enough. When I skip meals so I can keep on working.

Don't get me wrong, there are exceptions. Times when things that matter less simply need to get done. But I cannot live my entire life like that. That’s not really a life at all.

Because there is another thing I have noticed about perfectionism. It kind of makes me avoid risk. Perfectionism is all about doing everything meticulously and 100%. Not in the 90's somewhere, dawdling about. Especially not the low 90's. That is not acceptable. 100. That is the goal. Anything less is failure. So... avoid anything that you won't get 100 on. Which in life... means you may avoid a lot. Avoiding experiences that you might not be great at, but may expand your personality and soul, means that you may never grow. You don’t learn and change and become. You stay small and safe and stagnant.

But I want to be big. I want to be brave. I want to be wild and wildly creative. I want to risk not perfecting my life and just be…you know…me. Messy, but growing. Imperfect, but learning. Not pleasing everyone, but focusing more of my life on the people who really matter to me. Less pristine and romanticized, but decidedly real.

Why do I need an A in my class? Truth be told: I don't. So I am resolving to work hard, study well, go to class, and learn all that I can and expand as a person. And then, whatever will be will be.

I don't think that I will get an A in statistics. But I feel like I am winning my life back.

At least I am starting to. I would be so appreciative of any advice or tips on how to combat perfectionism in whatever aspect of life you struggle with it. I need all the help I can get.

“The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things.” Rainer Maria Rilke

Xoxo, Autumn

Your strengths are all you need.

Side rant—Matt is so good at loving me. I have learned more about love and loving myself since being married to him than I have learned my entire life. Last week I was feeling pretty drained emotionally, physically, spiritually, everything. It was a day when I normally only have two classes and that day one of them had been cancelled. But I felt like I didn’t have a real reason to skip school. So I texted Matt and asked his opinion. His response? “Don’t go! Forget school! God is more important! Souls trump school! You should just stay home or go back home if you already left.” This is why I married that man. He knows me so well and that if I even hint at needing a break I must REALLY need one.

So on that day when I stayed home and did nothing but drink tea, watch beautiful movies (like Breakfast at Tiffany’s. One of my favorites.), write in my journal, read letters I wrote my family when I lived in France, and have very long and tear-filled soul talks with God… I learned so much.

Sometimes I just feel like real, lasting change and triumph over my weaknesses is nearly impossible for me. Change is really hard and doesn’t seem to ever come, and when it does it sometimes seems like a short time later I am thinking “Oh yeah, I have already learned this. And here I am struggling with it again.” But this week I have realized that this is how change works and that I really do change every day.

I recently found something beautiful that I think illustrates this thought perfectly: “Progress through something traumatic, it’s not linear. It’s not like we go from unhealthy to healthy, failure to success. I think it’s all circular. You just come back around to the same pain, and the same loneliness. But each time you come around you’re stronger from the climb.” -Glennon Doyle Melton

Every time we think we have changed, we seem to come back around and have to face that problem all over again. But I agree with Glennon. I believe that every time we have defeated that dragon once again, we are stronger. We have learned something new. And we will never be the same again.

For me, this is very significant when looked at through the eyes of spirituality. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and we believe that when we are baptized, we make certain promises to God and he makes promises to us. We are only baptized once, but every Sunday after that we go to church and take the sacrament (the bread and water) and we renew that promise that we made with God. One of the things promised to us is that if we come to church repenting (meaning wanting to change, desiring to do better and fix things we have done wrong) then every time we take that bread and water we are changed. We are a new person. Our desires for good are strengthened and our desires for bad lose some of their hold on us. And nothing will ever be the same again.

It's good to know where you are weak so you are aware of where you can improve, but I think there is danger in starting out a quest for change by focusing on everything wrong with you. For me, it is so defeating. I get so wrapped up in every little thing wrong with me that I am overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy, and any belief that I can actually conquer those weaknesses is long gone.

This week I have realized that for me it is incredibly easier to change if I overcome my weaknesses by focusing on my strengths. I know that sounds like it doesn’t make sense, but think about this. I have so much more power when I start out my journey acknowledging the ground I have already won. Instead of “I say the meanest things when I get sassy. How can I hurt people this way? I am not very kind.” I try to think “Ok, who can I love today? What can I do to love them? I am pretty good with my words and compliments. I am going to try to genuinely compliment X amount of people today.” See the difference? I think the end result of speaking fewer mean words is accomplished, without even having to hate yourself for being a mean person! And since this method is so guilt free, it’s a lot harder to lose momentum. Because every time I make even a little progress I am not greeted by my inner voice telling me how much I lack. Because my goal has absolutely nothing to do with what I lack.

And if you still think I am crazy, my good friend Socrates once said “The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”

There we go. We are not nouns, we are verbs. Constantly in motion and ever-changing. And if we stop assessing our progress by how much we still lack and instead love ourselves for what we have gained, we can start being exactly who we want to be almost immediately. We can start living the life we have always wanted to live. One where we walk around with a purpose and are so grateful to be exactly who we are and where we are. Where we feel that we are the masters of our own fates and the captains of our souls.

xoxo, Autumn